Friday, October 17, 2008
sometimes I think I would be doing my kids a service by going to work.
This is sort of a pesemistic post, which I myself am not a big fan of a pesemistic attitude, nor am I a fan of the fact that I do not know how to spell pessemistic. MOving on to why I have titled this post, Sometimes I wonder If I would be doing my kids a service by going to work. I don't consider myself a patient person, I have gotten a lot better, but I have a long ways to go. I realize we are given challenges to try to overcome and become better from them. Lately, I feel like my kids would be happier going to a babysitter or a day care where they do fun activities and learn great things like their ABC's. I feel some days like I am just surviving mother hood and that is not the attitude that I want to have about the experience. I realize, with 3 young kids and on going potty training that it is not going to be a walk in the park. I am not writing this either to have any one tell me, " No, your doing a great job! you are just having a bad day." It is also the reason I did not call any of my friends and discuss that I feel this way. I can't help today but feel like I am failing my kids in some way. Of course I would rather be the one raising them than some person who does not love them. Some days I am just selfish though and I do let the TV babysit them, I don't read to them everyday like I know I should. I can't wait for bed time and the way I am feeling today I do not think I will be the mother who cries when her first child gets on the bus to go to school, I think I will take a deep breath and say, "Finally, peace and quiet" I feel guilty even writing that like I should tell you once again, Yes I love and adore my children! Let me just say, It is hard. Some days more than others. Do I think it is worth it, TOTALLY!, of course. My father in law has said before, "A lot of things that really bring you true joy in life are hard." I believe this. If we are striving to become better people, we need challenges and to be pushed. Mother hood definitely does this. Ever since I heard a talk called, Good, Better, Best, I have been some what tormented. In the talk it says that we have our agency and with that agency we get to choose what we do with our time. There are things that are good to do, but maybe there is something that is better to do with your time and than there is the best thing that we can do with our time. Today and for the past couple of days I have been reading what I thought was a really good book. Great plot, great charachters, good description of things, but not so much that you get bored and just want to get on with the story. The story has really good charachters and really evil ones. Today though after it talked about torchering a thief to death in a very gruesome way I decided. This book that has kept me from cleaning my house and playing with my children and even taking a shower today is not worth my time. I am not going to finish the book. The fact is there are better things that I should do with my time. I think that I will read the last page and just find out what happens. Staying home is a totally self motivating job. It takes inititive to get things done. Sometimes I wish I had a boss who told me what to do. So the good, better, best thing is hard. Are there some moms out there who really are just on task all the time, read to their kids everyday, keep the house clean and take out the laundry and fold it right when the dryer stops? I think that I will end this post here before it gets really out of control, these are a few things that have been on my mind today. Have a great week end everyone!
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17 comments:
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLGGERS BLOCK...JK YOU ARE NORMAL, AND I THINK VERY PATIENT, AND LOVING
Okay Nat,
So I am going to tell you that I think you are a great mom because I have seen you in action, but I also 100% empathize with what you are feeling! I almost blogged about it too, but felt like a failure for admitting it out loud, so thanks for being the first to be honest about how I'm sure the majority of us really feel about motherhood on most days! Kids are hard, and the rules seem to change on a daily basis - at least at my house they do! I'll give you two great tips I've received from being down in the dumps - One is that parenting and loving children comes in "moments." The little stinks are hard to love unconditionally ALL of the time, but you have to love the moments when they remind you why you are their mommy! Second of all, if you really want a good read, read the book "Parenting the Ephaim's Child." It has a great perspective on why our kids are so much stronger than we ever were, and it's not a crazy psycholoist book! Love it! Sorry this comment is so long, but I really do feel your pain! Chocolate at my house while the guys play football! Love ya Nat!
Jessica
Confession: Sometimes my laundry sits in the washer for so many days that is starts to stink and I have to rewash it. I never cried when my kids went to school. Me and Nickoli Hambly's mom used to go to breakfast the first day of school every year to celebrate (we did this for 20 years!). I let my boys watch R-rated movies while they were growing up, figuring they were going to see boobs at some point, so why not? I have fed my kids sugar sandwiches for lunch. I've yelled at them, spanked their butts, and once dumped a bowl of cereal, milk and all, on one's head. I was a stay at home mom. Guess what? My three boys all turned out fine. And yours will too. PS: Read "The Shack").
Sometimes I wonder why I thought I could handle it. Why do I go out i public with my 3 kids? Why do I try to do nice things for them? Will they ever remember the good times? I hope so.
I think every mom feels this way. I know I let the TV babysit now and then, and I daily feel like I should be doing more. That's why you have a whole lifetime, hopefully someday we will be who we want to be. But your kids are lucky to have you, and their smiles show how happy they are!
To you, Natelli, and to all the comments...ditto, ditto, ditto. I really don't thing there is a single mom in the world who is truly on top of their game. I think we'd like to believe it's possible, but I'm of the opinion that we are all up to our eyeballs in crap 90% of the time and the other 10% of the time are those "moments" Jess talked about. I would like to figure out how to enjoy that 10% a little more, though. So, I'm totally with you today. Love you, Nat.
I agree with Jones - I've never met the mother you described in your last paragraph. But, that is the ideal. We are supposed to keep trying. I like the saying about shooting for the moon and even if you don't make that, you're among the stars. If I could go a day without yelling at some point - I'd really feel like "mother-of-the-year" material - ya know? :)
Anyway, keep going Nat. You have a sweet family who loves you so much. Just keep going! :) (Insert "Amy" for "Nat" and you have my daily affirmation. J/K But it would be a good one.)
I have been thinking about this all week. Sometimes I feel anxiety for being a mom. I feel like I should work, contribute to society, exercise, clean, cook all meals.... the list never ends. We women are so hard on ourselves! I have cleaners, one child and I stay at home and I still feel overwhelmed. As moms we give and give so much that if you take anything for yourself you almost cant enjoy it because of all the guilt. All the talks about being perfect just fuel that anxiety and guilt for me.
I love getting a break and really cant wait for my child to go to preschool to get a lot more time for myself. I refuse to feel bad about that.
Ok, if I feel that way about how I raise my dog, then I'm screwed.
Just kidding. You know, I know this one girl whose dad and his friends snorted cocaine in front of her when she was tiny, then beat her mother, and then the poor mother became an alcoholic for years, and did all these really bad things when she was drinking.
This girl turned out fine. Put herself through college, married a nice normal drug-free violence-free guy, became contributing members of society. P.S., she adores her mother to this day.
Don't you watch Desperate Housewives? Bree Van De Kamp's kids are total a-holes. You don't want to be her. Be the Susan, with the mature, responsible kid. I learn all my life lessons from satirical mock-soap opera sitcoms.
You seriously took the thoughts right out of my head today Nat!! I have been feeling Mommy guilt all week. Growing up all I wanted to do was be a Mommy...who knew it would be such a hard job!? Although I did cry on the first day of school (I'm a boob)..I leave my laundry in the laundry baskets so long my husband sometimes wonders if we're living out of a suitcase, I let the computer and the tv babysit on a much to regular basis, and we eat cereal WAY too often!! All I have to say really is that you are so not alone!! And P.S. the baby years are the MOST difficult!! It does get a little easier!
Coming from a working mom - I feel the same way! I must say the comment from Kathy made me laugh (and my hubby) and made me feel a little better. I am amazed by women who stay home and raise multiple kids - I have one who drives me up the walls some days and I do try my hardest to enjoy her and teach her everything she needs to know. I think all moms feel this way and I think it's ok to feel like this for a little bit. It helps us put in perspective what matters most. Nat, you seem to have your head on straight more so than most people I know!
I think we have all felt that way. As long as you love your kids, which I know you do, things will work out. They always seem to, so we can't WORRY (dang it, preaching to the choir!) about it.
Even though you said not to say it, I am going to anyway, I think you are a great mom/person/friend/daughter of God. :)
There is too much pretending out there that we have it all together. I stopped trying to pretend a while ago. If you just dropped by my house on any given day, you would almost never find it clean and would almost always find dishes in the sink (sometimes they have been there so long that there is an odor coming from that area of the kitchen). I admire your bravery to admit a 'weakness'. I don't know if it can really be called that because I believe it is just part of life. It took Dame and I a long time to decide if we were going to have another because we weren't sure if my sanity could handle it. I think that Satan does a really good job with our feelings of inadequacy (sp) and making us feel like we can't do it anymore or that maybe someone else could do a better job. It is his tool to attack the work that we are doing.(We have been told that it is most important - not to put more pressure on you.) That is what I try to remember when I have days like you described. It doesn't always work, but is helpful to keep in mind. You are fantastic and are doing the best job that you know how and/or can handle.
I was with my mom today who related this story about her 90 something aunt and her uncle that just turned 100. She asked her aunt "So what do you and uncle Ted do all day" and she said "He bothers me all day! I think that I am still on this earth to learn patience". She is in her 90's and still struggles with patience and she is an amazing woman. This story just gave me relief because I am so impatient and struggle with it and to know that I am not the only one and that the wisest of women still struggle with it made things better for me.
You are great. It is time to think of some of the positive things that you do and to give yourself some credit.
Oh Natelli, I love you. You know from how often I spill my guts on my own blog that I feel this way often. I have one child and I'm not sure when I will be ready to have another one. It worries me I'm not the perfect mother, like my mother seemed to be. I love Ava, but when Brig walks through that door in the evenings I gladly hand over the reigns and tell them both to go outside and play. Did you ever catch the show on Oprah years ago (when I was pregnant with Ava) and it talked about how before you have kids no one tells you what it's really going to be like, and everyone pretends it's heaven on earth (and at times it is)? I did and at the time I totally judged the women on there saying how they don't love, love, love being a mommy at all times. But shortly after having Ava I could so relate. I admire you with three little boys! I don't know how I'm going to handle more than one. And my house, or my section of it I should clarify, is never 100% clean. I KNOW I could use my time more wisely.
Nobody is perfect and nobody can do everything. I know I sometimes feel like a complete failure, even though I don't have kids, when my house isn't cleaned, I haven't worked out or I simply haven't called someone who could use the boost. Don't beat yourself up. What you are feeling is normal. The thing is your kids won't remember what you didn't do for them. They will only remember the good times.
What a good post and good comments! I need to come back and read all this on my bad days. I always feel like I am weak because I need breaks from my kids and my house is rarely ever all cleaned. All the other moms I know seem to handle so much more than me.
My theory is that we can never be perfect because then we would be standing still, and have nothing to strive for. There is always more we could be doing. I think the most important thing is to prioritize, which means the laundry stays in the dryer for a few days because bathing and feeding your family is more important. I always have me-time high on the priority list for my own sanity. I'm also really glad to here that I'm not the only one that doesn't read to my child all the time and provide learning opportunities for her every moment. A little TV is not going to damage them, right? We turned out okay!
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