Thursday, November 19, 2009
In all honesty
In all honesty, I can't keep up. With anything. and these are not complete sentences. I know. I don't care. Probably should not be blogging when I am in a mood like this. That is one thing I have learned, times not to blog: when you are in a raging bad mood and when you have taken ambien. I have not taken ambien, but I am in a raging bad mood today. I just feel like I have been sprinting on the tread mill (life) and I was barely keeping up with that pace and someone just keeps pushing the speed up and I can't sprint that fast. I want to slow down. How? seriously how? anybody know? I feel like I am always cleaning yet my house is always a mess. My five year old started school this year and the teacher is always letting me know every chance she gets how behind he is in everything. So then the guilt sets in, I didn't prepare him enough, I should have sent him to another year of pre-school even though, for heaven sakes he was only THREE years old! but apparently that is what you have to do keep up with the pace that has been set for these poor little people. Well maybe I want him to enjoy his childhood, cause you know what adult hood is a beast sometimes. I want to enjoy my kids, they are growing up so fast. So back to the sprint I can't keep up with. I am always a step behind on everything. I try to help people out, I have good intentions. I try to do it all, be a good mom, wife , friend, serve people, hold a calling. It just feels like everybody wants more, more, more. I need to read with my five year old more, I need to practice his speech with him more. I need to be better at doing family home evening. I need to organize closets, toys, food storage. I need to read my scriptures. I need to work out and try to get back down to pre-baby weight so I can have another one. I need to finally decorate my house. I need to cook healthier food. I need to get over my addiction to ridiculous and time wasting reality shows. I need to stop drinking caffeine and playing poker. (alright that one is kind of an inside joke between me and my Friend Christine) I probably shouldn't enjoy the laughing gas at the dentist as much as I do and stop getting excited when the dentist tells me he has bad news that I have a cavity. I need to not yell at my kids. I could go on and on. Why am I writing this? because I've stopped taking my meds. no, no I am only kidding, I wouldn't do something crazy like that. It is actually because I want your sympathy and am just dying for some attention. No not really at all. I am venting and I probably shouldn't be, I realize this is not the place to do that. I get asked why i don't blog anymore. Well part of that is I don't like to do things unless I can be real and I found myself changing posts because i realized family, friends, neighbors, ward friends, cousins and whoever else was reading my blog. I don't like to try to put on a show for people. I want people to realize just how far from perfect I am, then they won't have some big expectations of me and then be disappointed in me. That is a huuuuge weakness I have. I HATE disappointing people. I really love people, all types of people, I love getting to know everyone. I really like most everybody I meet. I realize that is not how everyone is and there are even some people who don't like very many people at all. I know this and yet it kills me if I think somebody doesn't like me or is mad at me. I am trying to work through that and just realize I can't please everybody. wow, this is really all over the place isn't it and I will probably come back and erase it. Don't worry people I will be okay, tomorrow I will probably be in a funny mood, today is just not a great day for me. Today I am feeling like life is a big guilt trip. I just can't keep up. I guess I am just not very good at this (life) balancing act. I went to a class at BYU during education week last year and in it the teacher talked about priorities and how we all sometimes try to to get an "A" in everything and it just isn't possible. We want to be super mom who can cook like Martha and has a perfectly nice smelling clean house that is decorated beautifully and we want to be able to serve everyone and do it with a smile on our face. We want to be the perfect wife, mother, friend, neighbor. not only hold a calling, but "MAGNIFY" our calling. Be the best most consistent visiting teacher. etc etc etc. She talked about how you should write down all of your responsibilities and then prioritize them. and realize you don't need to get an "A " in everything, it is okay to get a B and a C in some areas in your life. I really liked the analogy she gave. I just have not quite figured it all out yet. SO there you have it people, do what you will with that information, but let's not all get too down by this post, after all we do get to spend some much needed time with a few of our favorite vampires tonight and tomorrow.
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23 comments:
Of course you know that I know what you are talking about. Remember that semester when I was preggers with Jack, I got an A in one class and failed the other two.. Sometimes you just have to let some things go. Even if you tell people "no" they will still love you, because you are awesome and so much fun to be with and chat too. Love ya Lady! Can't wait for the morning. I'm not going to talk to you in the morning until I've seen the movie.
Wow. You sound just like the young mother of three little boys. I know, because I've done that and felt that. Now I'm the old mother of three grown boys who all have wives and kids of their own. One of them pooped his pants in first grade. Twice. I was told that one of them should repeat third grade. I didn't make him do it. One of them failed shop in middle school. Parent-teacher conferences were never a happy thing. But guess what? They all turned out great and highly competent, in spite of my poor mothering skills. I did the best I could, and usually knew I was failing, but in reality I was doing okay. I didn't know that until much later. You're doing okay, too. You just don't know it yet.
Kathy, thank you for that. I needed to hear that.
I couldn't agree more with everything you just said. I feel the same way. For a moment I thought I was the one who wrote it. Life is so crazy for me right now and I'm not sure I'm ready to have this baby.
Don't worry about your little boy, he'll catch up they always do. Tell his teacher maybe she should start pointing out the positive things about him.
All I can say is get a pedicure and hang out with friends. Then the day to day stuff is easier to deal with, right.
I was just thinking this the other day! I was totally on one last week. Seriously, I have an unpublised post that looks a lot like this one. You are awesome in that you will share and let others like me know that I am not alone. I actually think that posts like this are so precious because there may be some day in the future when your little boys are all grown and are wonderful people who are struggling to raise a family and they could read this and think to themselves "MY mom felt this way? My perfect mother struggled with this too?" And it could make all the difference. I sometimes wish that my mom had kept some kind of journal from when we were little. Then I would know that I am not the only one. Thank you for sharing. You are one fabulous lady!
Glad to know there's others out there. My last few posts have been along this theme. And I've decided to put my children as top priority and let some other things suffer. It seems to be going well for us. Not so well for my house, but that's okay. I hope you have some 'up' days soon. New Moon should help :)
Nat, this is exactly why we do all love you so much - because you are REAL! I love that you are willing to just lay it out there, and I guarantee that I wasn't the only one nodding my head with every sentence as I read this! That drive for perfection is exactly why every one of us are on ambien/prozac/valium and broke!!! We compare ourselves to everyone else out there - who I am convinced are faking it just as much as we are! Perfect is so not happening in my little world! Your little boys are loved and are happy and that matters more than anything else. Vent away - I still think you are incredible, and I still hope to be just like you someday! :) Hang in there!
Ah, Nat, it's NEW MOON time :)
and FYI I was talking to someone the other day and they said what a hard time they were having a few months ago and then mentioned that you called them during that time to just tell them you understood how they felt and they said that phone call made all the difference to them.
I am just thinking about cutting and pasting your post to my blog and tweeking it just a bit...like lose 100 lbs so I can do a cart wheel....anyway chin up sis, you rock. ~E
I think with everything you write I realize how much alike we are. I am with you 100%! You're great (and just keep telling yourself that over and over and over until you believe it)
First off, the movie rocked. I could have punched Bella right in the face for breaking Jacob's heart. Wow, that sounded mean. I am finding myself leaning toward team Jacob. Second, we can't be perfect. If we were, we'd have no purpose being here on earth. I like the idea from that class you took. Pick and choose your battles. Leave the rest for someone else to worry about. I don't know you that well, but from what I have heard, you are pretty amazing and I am sure that your boys are lucky to have a mom like you.
thanks everyone, just want you all to know, today my attitude is much improved! New Moon was great and all is well.
Did I write this? I could have! : )
~Emily
Dito!
Nat, you are awesome!! That's all I can say. First of all, props for attending BYU education work. Shuhyah!
All I know is after reading that, you said what we all feel. I felt like you were right in my head. The GUILT is what stood out the most. Straight up.
It feels good to just get it out, so props for that! I feel the same way, so we'll just be that little part of each others lives that is there to help keep going.
Thank you for sharing. Don't ever apologize for that ;)
As someone who has also be an author of a few blog posts where my friends emailed me asking if I was okay after having read them I am totally with you. I can't understand how some people can live their lives with a facade up when they feel miserable. To be real and honest about your life is the most endearing thing to do. None of us feel like we are doing good enough at anything. We're mothers - isn't that the definition - feeling guilt over everything? I like Kathy's comment. And I've been lucky to be the recipient of a facebook message that has cheered up my day from you on several occasions. I totally admire you and think you are such a rare, genuine person.
My internet has been acting up, so I just BARELY read this post. It breaks my heart to know we all go through this rat-race in our lives. I've decided I'm pretty much a C student. I need to aspire for even one A. Love the analogy.
Love you, Nat. You know that, right? And keep being real, my friend...you're helping the rest of us keep our feet on the ground where they need to be. :)
Natelli, you're my hero! I wanna be like you when I grow up too!
Wowza! Sorry, I totally take my comment on the "how it should've ended" post. I am so glad you posted. And even more glad that you kept it real and true to yourself. It is awesome. Why pretend you are feeling awesome when you aren't? I bet you feel better letting out to us readers anyway now right? Kudos! I like reading posts like yours because I can relate more to it than to the foofoo I read on others that life is always wonderful...sometimes it ain't and sometimes it is! And by the way, you are so much better than you ever take credit for. Your house is awesome, your kids are healthy and happy (other than when around devilish teachers) and you have a great marriage. Who could ask for more? I am with you on keeping kids kids. HUGE soapbox of mine. Why hurry your kids through their childhood to get to adulthood and responsiblity? It sucks! Taylor will catch up when he needs to and who cares if he is a little behind? Teachers expect kids to already know what we learned in kindergarten. I say, keep college classes in college and out of high school...keep teachers away from giving instrument lessons for 2 year olds...and let them be young for heaven sakes! Otherwise you get a child with Michael Jackson syndrome where they just want to be a kid when they are older. Not good! Okay,...sorry. I should keep my rantings for my own blog. ha. ha. Have a happy day! Sending mounds of love and approval from our house to yours!
is it the season for feeling like a failure or what?! I had a conversation with my husband about three days ago that was about this exact thing. he said that he thinks women are way to hard on themselves. to me its a cycle too. I feel like I am not good enough at anything and instead of trying to improve certain areas i get overwhelmed and give up! Hopefully one day we will figure it all out. Count your blessings. You are awesome. Sometimes everyone else see it but us, huh.
Thanks for that post. Did you seriously just reach into my head and pull out my thoughts? I feel exactly the same way. Somedays I feel like I'm doing too crappy of a job to even try. But then I do and just get more discouraged. I think it's life, but I wish that there were not so many expectations. It's hard. We should talk sometime!! Would you want to hang out soon?
Danielle,
I would love to hang out! email me and we can work it out. natellijohnston@hotmail.com
i don't know you at all but i found your blog through a mutual friend. thanks for posting this. i get SO sick and tired of reading all this bologna on people's blogs, especially on LDS ladies blogs. life is not perfect, your house isn't always clean. if it is, you're not playing with your kids. well, at least that's what i tell myself. so keep being real. as you can see, the rest of the world appreciates it!
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